1 00:00:00,123 --> 00:00:05,723 Due to the global pandemic, residents have been given strict orders of how they can and cannot 2 00:00:05,723 --> 00:00:14,043 interact. We have been tasked to enforce those orders and let's just say it's been interesting... 3 00:00:14,043 --> 00:00:29,883 [Alex] I swear every time I think the world can't get dumber, someone's like hold my keg. 4 00:00:29,883 --> 00:00:30,380 [Intro music] 5 00:00:30,380 --> 00:00:36,043 [Randall] Well good folks, I don't mean to interrupt but due to the pandemic... 6 00:00:36,043 --> 00:00:39,403 [Theo] Oh my god. I'm so sorry we weren't even thinking! 7 00:00:39,403 --> 00:00:42,683 [Randall] It's okay. As long as you keep your distance and wear your mask 8 00:00:43,403 --> 00:00:46,323 it's fine. But thank you for... What is that? 9 00:00:46,323 --> 00:00:51,963 [Theo] It's just some essential oils Wolf's Bane, Witch Hazel, 10 00:00:51,963 --> 00:00:56,571 Phosphorus or as it's also known... "The Cure" 11 00:00:56,571 --> 00:00:58,283 [Alex] Ugh, I can smell it... 12 00:00:58,283 --> 00:00:59,243 [Randall] (Disgusted) I can taste it... 13 00:00:59,243 --> 00:01:01,723 [Alex] If one of you cold brown'd I swear to God! 14 00:01:01,723 --> 00:01:05,723 [Carrie] Oh, you must be talking about our homemade antibiotics. 15 00:01:05,723 --> 00:01:09,082 Yeah; coconut oil; durian paste, arnica... 16 00:01:09,683 --> 00:01:15,963 [Randall] So you guys did all of this to make sure people stay 10 feet away from you? 17 00:01:15,963 --> 00:01:19,003 [Carrie] Oh so you're one of those? 18 00:01:19,003 --> 00:01:23,163 [Alex] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I hope you're referring to people with functioning noses! 19 00:01:23,163 --> 00:01:28,443 [Theo] Whoa, whoa, whoa,The medical industry is a 20 trillion dollar business! 20 00:01:28,443 --> 00:01:30,763 [Alex] ehh...That's just obviously not true. 21 00:01:31,523 --> 00:01:33,323 [Alex] Do you taste that? 22 00:01:33,323 --> 00:01:34,763 [Randall] I do. Taste it. 23 00:01:34,763 --> 00:01:42,522 [Carrie] Insurance companies push drugs on us to make money off of us when nature has every cure we 24 00:01:42,522 --> 00:01:48,603 need for free! You know we haven't followed one rule and haven't had one infection yet. 25 00:01:48,603 --> 00:01:49,243 [Randall Really! 26 00:01:49,243 --> 00:01:52,123 [Carrie] Aside from Celeste, Dawn, 27 00:01:52,123 --> 00:01:57,951 Harmony, Karma... But it's their own fault they were using Opal crystals over Obsidian ugh! 28 00:01:57,951 --> 00:02:02,203 [Randall] Look i don't care if you use Opal crystals, Obsidian crystals 29 00:02:02,203 --> 00:02:07,163 or crystal-light crystals! Look! Just wear your mask okay? Here. Okay. Make sure you 30 00:02:07,163 --> 00:02:11,082 recycle them. You can just spray your little crystal stuff inside. But wear your mask! 31 00:02:12,803 --> 00:02:17,323 [Theo] Are these compostable? Uhh where do we throw these away? 32 00:02:17,323 --> 00:02:17,936 [Carrie] I don't know 33 00:02:17,936 --> 00:02:19,963 [Alex] Put them on or I'll put you on! 34 00:02:21,323 --> 00:02:27,163 [Theo] me off? Put me on? Ah, is he hitting on us? What's up? Hey! We swing! 35 00:02:27,163 --> 00:02:27,963 [Alex] Don't ask! 36 00:02:27,963 --> 00:02:29,443 [Theo] Thursdays! 37 00:02:29,443 --> 00:02:32,683 [Alex] I'm telling you past Caitlyn Jenner in the 70's... 38 00:02:32,683 --> 00:02:34,203 [Dankbank] Hey! What's up my ninjas? 39 00:02:34,203 --> 00:02:36,763 [Alex] Okay, if he's got a mask on nothing makes sense. 40 00:02:36,763 --> 00:02:39,643 [Dankbank] How are my two favorite security guards doing today? Hey, 41 00:02:39,643 --> 00:02:42,443 actually I'm about to get on live real quick if you guys want to hop on with me? 42 00:02:42,443 --> 00:02:46,003 I really want to get out there the message of why it's important to wear your mask. 43 00:02:46,003 --> 00:02:47,563 [Alex] Oh hell yeah, that'd be awesome. 44 00:02:47,563 --> 00:02:50,203 [Randall] No, no. I.. I don't I don't 45 00:02:50,203 --> 00:02:52,043 know I don't get on live. I've never been on live before, right. 46 00:02:52,043 --> 00:02:54,203 [Alex] What are you talking about? We got cameras all the time! 47 00:02:54,203 --> 00:02:57,003 [Randall I know, but that's different. I don't like... what do I do? With my hands? 48 00:02:57,003 --> 00:02:58,359 [Alex] Just put them right on your belt... 49 00:02:58,359 --> 00:03:01,643 [Dankbank] What's good Dank squad? I just wanted to hop on the live real quick 50 00:03:01,643 --> 00:03:05,723 to remind you guys that this pandemic is serious okay? So if you're going outside 51 00:03:05,723 --> 00:03:07,723 you need to wear your mask! All right? 52 00:03:07,723 --> 00:03:09,243 Just because it doesn't affect you 53 00:03:09,243 --> 00:03:13,403 doesn't mean it doesn't affect the people around you right? You got to think of your parents, 54 00:03:13,403 --> 00:03:17,883 your grandparents, okay? It's not just about you. It's about all of us. 55 00:03:17,883 --> 00:03:18,523 [Randall] That's right. 56 00:03:18,523 --> 00:03:19,883 [Dankbank] You guys got anything else you want to add? 57 00:03:19,883 --> 00:03:23,723 [Alex] Uh, no not really. Just listen to Dankbank man. That's the homie! 58 00:03:23,723 --> 00:03:24,523 [Randall] I'm randall. 59 00:03:24,523 --> 00:03:25,723 [Alex] What did you say? 60 00:03:25,723 --> 00:03:30,203 [Dankbank] Hey, think about your first responders okay? These guys 61 00:03:30,203 --> 00:03:33,483 put their lives on the line for our freedom! 62 00:03:33,483 --> 00:03:35,443 [Alex] Well, not really... 63 00:03:35,443 --> 00:03:40,923 [Dankbank] Hm I appreciate what you do man okay. I'll never kneel for that flag! Black 64 00:03:40,923 --> 00:03:45,883 Lives Matter! Hashtag me too! Grab her by the [__]! Go vegan y'all! 65 00:03:45,883 --> 00:03:47,836 [Awkward silence] 66 00:03:47,836 --> 00:03:51,243 [Randall] Trust..trust... that, thank you thank you Dankbank. That's. That 67 00:03:51,243 --> 00:03:54,803 was really helpful and I'm sure that's gonna tell a lot of people what to do... 68 00:03:54,803 --> 00:03:58,203 [Alex] Went a little off the rails at the end... But that was dope man thank you. 69 00:03:58,203 --> 00:04:03,323 [Dankbank] Oh no, I got you. Hey, yo this is gonna get me some major action bro! 70 00:04:03,323 --> 00:04:06,403 Dankbank bout to get all up in that poontank! Thank you! 71 00:04:06,403 --> 00:04:08,283 [Alex] What the hell are you doing? 72 00:04:08,283 --> 00:04:14,323 [Dankbank] Bro! The algorithm eats this mask [__ ] up. You already know I had to get me a piece! 73 00:04:14,323 --> 00:04:19,322 [Alex] Okay, so that's why your causes sounded like you were having a hashtag stroke? Got it 74 00:04:19,322 --> 00:04:22,363 [Dankbank] Bro! I can't put a mask over this pretty ass face! I'm trying 75 00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:24,083 to be like Future! You know what I'm saying? 76 00:04:24,083 --> 00:04:26,603 [Alex] I get it. Mask Off. 77 00:04:26,603 --> 00:04:27,083 [Randall] Who's Future? 78 00:04:27,083 --> 00:04:27,763 [Alex] That's good 79 00:04:27,763 --> 00:04:30,283 [Dankbank]. Nah! I'm trying to [__] Ciara! 80 00:04:30,283 --> 00:04:32,202 [Alex] Okay, I feel that with that. 81 00:04:32,202 --> 00:04:33,403 [Dankbank] Uh.. yeah 82 00:04:33,403 --> 00:04:33,963 [Alex] Yeah I.. 83 00:04:33,963 --> 00:04:35,163 [Bump Elbows] [Dankbank]I like that I like that! 84 00:04:35,163 --> 00:04:38,763 [Randall] You know what Dankbank? I think you're right. 85 00:04:38,763 --> 00:04:40,363 [Alex] Randall, No, no, no. 86 00:04:40,363 --> 00:04:44,923 [Randall] I think these masks are... um lame um yeah you 87 00:04:45,643 --> 00:04:48,763 know what I'm saying. I'm gonna, I'm gonna follow your lead okay. 88 00:04:48,763 --> 00:04:52,123 And I'm gonna make sure everybody knows that Dankbank 89 00:04:52,123 --> 00:04:58,202 influenced me! Because you're cool. I wanna be cool. Let's be cool. Dankbaaank! 90 00:04:58,202 --> 00:05:03,563 [Dankbank] Yo if this nerd isn't wearing a mask. Then that's not dank anymore. 91 00:05:03,563 --> 00:05:05,643 [clears throat] 92 00:05:05,643 --> 00:05:09,883 Gotta stay ahead of the algorithm. You know what I'm saying? 93 00:05:09,883 --> 00:05:10,662 [Randall] Good. 94 00:05:10,662 --> 00:05:12,843 [Alex] That really does cover your whole face huh? 95 00:05:12,843 --> 00:05:13,490 [Randall] It does. 96 00:05:13,490 --> 00:05:14,683 [Alex] Ugly people came up. 97 00:05:14,683 --> 00:05:15,723 [Randall] Nice work. 98 00:05:15,723 --> 00:05:17,243 [Alex] Rules are rules. 99 00:05:17,243 --> 00:05:19,803 You better put this back on. 100 00:05:19,803 --> 00:05:20,841 [Randall] Mask on! 101 00:05:20,841 --> 00:05:22,243 [Alex] See future is a rapper... [Randall] Ah 102 00:05:27,643 --> 00:05:35,083 Mr. Stevens... Look at you. Now, you know you're required to wear a mask right? 103 00:05:35,083 --> 00:05:39,243 [Mr. Stevens] And are you two [__] still aware this is the U.S. of [__] - A!? 104 00:05:39,243 --> 00:05:42,735 [Alex] Well it's the state government that mandated the mask requirement so... 105 00:05:42,735 --> 00:05:49,083 [Mr. Stevens] Man so... You guys can't mandate [ __]! The U.S. Constitution! You ever heard of it? 106 00:05:49,723 --> 00:05:52,603 My grandfather didn't fight in Korea for this! 107 00:05:52,603 --> 00:05:55,403 [Randall] We thank your grandfather for his services... 108 00:05:55,403 --> 00:05:59,723 [Mr. Stevens] No he wasn't in the military. He was a taxi driver 109 00:05:59,723 --> 00:06:04,763 and a cage fighter. And people respected him all over Korea whether it was in the 110 00:06:04,763 --> 00:06:08,043 cage or whether he's dropping somebody off at the airport. 111 00:06:08,843 --> 00:06:13,803 And I'll have you know when he left Korea everyone in the peninsula knew his name 112 00:06:13,803 --> 00:06:19,883 as Gingyang son mcgigan. Which means "the masked American". 113 00:06:19,883 --> 00:06:25,083 [Alex] Your grandfather was literally known as the masked American? 114 00:06:25,083 --> 00:06:28,283 [Mr. Stevens] Yes. But it's not what you think. It's not that Nacho Libre 115 00:06:28,283 --> 00:06:32,283 [__]! He was wearing a mask because there was like a... flu back then yeah... 116 00:06:32,283 --> 00:06:34,523 [Alex] You don't see the irony in this? 117 00:06:34,523 --> 00:06:35,323 [Mr. Stevens] No? 118 00:06:35,323 --> 00:06:37,403 [Alex] I'm not the only one hearing this right? 119 00:06:37,403 --> 00:06:40,115 [Randall] You're getting a little bit off subject here. 120 00:06:40,115 --> 00:06:41,403 [Mr. Stevens] What subject? 121 00:06:41,403 --> 00:06:46,202 The subject about your mask being a Liberal plot to overthrow the government? 122 00:06:46,202 --> 00:06:51,003 I'm not believing in that fake news. Never in the history of my great nation 123 00:06:51,003 --> 00:06:54,923 has a bigger hoax been pulled on the people of our country! 124 00:06:54,923 --> 00:06:57,163 [Alex] You've got Watergate uh Iran-Contra... 125 00:06:57,163 --> 00:06:58,043 [Randall] Slavery... 126 00:06:58,043 --> 00:07:02,388 [Alex] Lack of rights for gay people and lesbian people... 127 00:07:02,388 --> 00:07:03,326 [Randall] Jim Crow, Three strike law... 128 00:07:03,327 --> 00:07:04,169 [Alex] Uh Tulsa... I got like 50... 129 00:07:04,169 --> 00:07:07,403 [Mr. Stevens] Okay! Enough! This is harassment. AndII'm not okay with 130 00:07:07,403 --> 00:07:10,603 it. And I'm not gonna be bullied by the likes of you two [__]! 131 00:07:10,603 --> 00:07:16,123 [Randall] Okay, you can be not okay with it all you want. But just be not okay with it 132 00:07:16,123 --> 00:07:20,203 behind a mask! Thank you.Put it on! 133 00:07:20,723 --> 00:07:22,763 [Alex] Punk ass Popeye. 134 00:07:22,763 --> 00:07:26,795 [phone ringing] 135 00:07:26,795 --> 00:07:29,483 [Randall] 136 00:07:29,483 --> 00:07:31,643 Hello? This is Randall with security. 137 00:07:31,643 --> 00:07:36,763 [Mr. Stevens] Yes. This is Mr Stevens. There's a black guy that's harassing me with his partner 138 00:07:36,763 --> 00:07:41,723 for no reason. I was wearing my mask and they started yelling at me. Probably because 139 00:07:42,443 --> 00:07:48,443 I love my country... And uh he's looking at me menacingly right now. Send help fast! 140 00:07:48,443 --> 00:07:49,691 [confesional] 141 00:07:49,691 --> 00:07:54,843 [Alex] Just wear the mask people! Is that so much to ask? Everybody in this town is just 142 00:07:54,843 --> 00:08:01,243 a... a medical professional all of a sudden? You know somebody at the CDC? No you don't! You don't! 143 00:08:01,243 --> 00:08:11,883 [Randall] Maybe I should get Mr. Keene? 144 00:08:11,883 --> 00:08:12,273 [Both] Laughter 145 00:08:12,273 --> 00:08:13,493 [Alex] Oh.. oh god you actually almost had me. 146 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:14,603 [Randall] Just trying to lighten the mood. 147 00:08:14,603 --> 00:08:17,483 [Alex] No, no I'll listen to Dr. Pepper before I listen to him! 148 00:08:17,483 --> 00:08:20,763 [Randall] Been a long day. 149 00:08:21,763 --> 00:08:26,009 [Carlton] Oh, oh my God... I'm supposed to be wearing a mask aren't I? 150 00:08:26,009 --> 00:08:27,003 [Randall] Yes you are sir. 151 00:08:27,003 --> 00:08:30,443 [Carlton] Uh, I'm so sorry. I know the rules. I know the rules. I figure you two have a lot 152 00:08:30,443 --> 00:08:33,722 better things to do than babysit a bunch of adults who can't even follow the rules, right? 153 00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:34,079 [Randall] ha, ha, ha 154 00:08:34,079 --> 00:08:35,163 [Alex] You would think... 155 00:08:35,163 --> 00:08:35,803 [Randall] Right, right 156 00:08:35,803 --> 00:08:38,123 [Carlton] Oh, man. This pandemic has people acting crazy huh? 157 00:08:38,123 --> 00:08:38,563 [Randall] Yeah. 158 00:08:38,563 --> 00:08:40,602 [Carlton] Yeah. It's like nobody can follow directions anymore. 159 00:08:40,602 --> 00:08:41,323 [Randall] Yeah... 160 00:08:41,323 --> 00:08:41,894 [Alex] You tell 'em man! 161 00:08:41,894 --> 00:08:44,202 [Clayton] Well allow me to be the first to apologize 162 00:08:44,202 --> 00:08:46,123 for the species. Let me... Oh here's my mask 163 00:08:46,123 --> 00:08:49,219 [Randall] Thank you for cooperating. You are doing [Alex] Put on a mask... 164 00:08:49,219 --> 00:08:49,723 [Carlton] No problem 165 00:08:49,723 --> 00:08:53,483 [Randall] Um... 166 00:08:53,483 --> 00:08:54,114 [Alex] That is not a mask. 167 00:08:54,114 --> 00:08:54,297 [Awkward silence] 168 00:08:54,297 --> 00:08:57,643 [Carlton] What is... What's the matter? You boys never seen a man wear a mask before? 169 00:08:57,643 --> 00:09:03,403 [Randall] That's not it, it's just that you know... Your underwear has holes in it 170 00:09:03,403 --> 00:09:08,963 [Carlton] Oh does that bother you? Does that hurt your prude American sexuality? 171 00:09:08,963 --> 00:09:12,523 [Alex] Dude it's been a long day okay! Can you please just 172 00:09:12,523 --> 00:09:14,843 use one of our masks we've got like 50. Will you give me one. 173 00:09:14,843 --> 00:09:18,523 [Carlton] Well, what are you gonna do if i don't huh? You gonna pin me down and arrest me? 174 00:09:18,523 --> 00:09:18,923 [Alex] No? 175 00:09:18,923 --> 00:09:22,283 [Carlton] Yeah? Hold me down, have your way with me? 176 00:09:22,283 --> 00:09:25,563 You'd like that huh? You tall chocolate frosty how about you vanilla? You want 177 00:09:25,563 --> 00:09:28,603 to break me like a Mcdonald's ice cream machine? uhh, why is it always broken? 178 00:09:28,603 --> 00:09:29,723 [Randall] What? 179 00:09:29,723 --> 00:09:32,763 [Alex] Look sir this is your last warning! Okay? You need 180 00:09:32,763 --> 00:09:35,083 to use an approved method to cover your face. 181 00:09:35,083 --> 00:09:36,671 [Carlton] Oh I'll cover my face alright! 182 00:09:36,671 --> 00:09:39,163 [loud noise] [Alex] Oh Jesus! That is assault! 183 00:09:39,163 --> 00:09:41,483 [Randall] Sir, sir sir. N,o no uh-huh... Okay? 184 00:09:41,483 --> 00:09:44,203 [Alex] Don't do that. Come on! What, what the hell are you doing man? 185 00:09:45,043 --> 00:09:46,683 [Carlton] Ah yeah... 186 00:09:46,683 --> 00:09:48,443 [Alex] What the hell are you doing? 187 00:09:48,443 --> 00:09:51,003 [Carlton] Oh yeah! Is this what you want? 188 00:09:51,003 --> 00:09:51,483 [Alex] No! 189 00:09:51,483 --> 00:09:52,843 [Carlton] Yeah! Yeah! 190 00:09:52,843 --> 00:09:54,043 [Randall] Sir, you're gonna hurt yourself. 191 00:09:54,043 --> 00:09:56,843 [Carlton] Oh you would have hurt me yourself huh? Come on you boys... 192 00:09:57,403 --> 00:10:05,501 Bring me your chocolate ice cream swirls uh... [Thuds to the ground] 193 00:10:05,501 --> 00:10:06,683 [Randall] Is he okay? 194 00:10:06,683 --> 00:10:09,323 [Alex] Who cares? Wanna get some ice cream? 195 00:10:09,323 --> 00:10:10,603 [Randall] Yeah. 196 00:10:13,083 --> 00:10:17,883 Put it on when you're up. 197 00:10:17,883 --> 00:10:31,883 [Alex] He kind of sounds like that Hans guy... 198 00:10:31,933 --> 00:10:36,483 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0